my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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