if i can run in heels then i can drive
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
