The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
