Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
