my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
