Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Who died my cat blue again?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
