My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
