My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
