You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
