barbara walters just said penis...
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
