I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
