Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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