Just took my morning after pill in the library
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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