She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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