so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
