Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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