really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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