dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We need a shit load of segways right now
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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