Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
