Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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