Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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