I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
