you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
