I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Randomize