I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
