Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he was CRYING into my vagina
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
