cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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