i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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