Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
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Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
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I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize