just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
