omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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