She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
