I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
