You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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