Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
