Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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