Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
