Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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