My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
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he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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