My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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