I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He shit in the fireplace
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
