i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
