after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
