A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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