I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
