I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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