I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
