apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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