I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm at about main and main street
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
