How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize