I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
