U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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