if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
