My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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