We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
