11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
