Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
