Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
