if i can run in heels then i can drive
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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