Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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