i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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